Conditional Love. The Pits.

I am a big believer that language creates our reality. It creates a responsibility for the words that come out of my mouth. And while that can seem daunting, it also is very empowering. 

As of late, I have been declaring a mantra that I love on repeat: "My natural state is abundance" (borrowed and inspired by Brooke Castillo of The Life Coach School and this game changer of a podcast on money). And the sweet wooden and oh so happy buddha I found in Ojai this past trip we took out there is holding a raw citrine crystal on my altar and that shit is working!

And while I feel so grateful, there is a part of me that has entered into overwhelm in the past few weeks. My calendar is full and I feel alive in the offerings I have created! And, well, I might have gone down what is called the people please-ing wormhole and exercised my 'yes' way more than my 'no'. I might have really focused the abundance on career and perhaps left the other dynamic parts of myself fall to the wayside. And I feel like I have a tone with loved ones, I feel a bit frantic on the inside and I feel rushed.

Yes. I feel in a rush.

And I am going to be honest with you, when I am in a rush I am not my best self. I am answering emails too fast. I am push-y. I am a utilitarian listener, meaning I only listen for how something will connect or move me forward. Eww. 

And when I am in a rush, I love conditionally.

I said it. 

I love with expectation. I love with all the containers set. I love with conditions, you only get my love if you do x, y and z. 

And holy shit, it feels awful when you realize it.

When you realize the meetings on your calendar. The moments shared with your partner. The connection with a brand. All feel tainted with conditional drama and major expectation.

Mary Beth always says in her yoga classes that I get to attend that:

Happiness = Reality minus Expectations

Well, time to give myself a dose of reality. Time to get clear and add all of me to my calendar. I know how to do it. Yet, in the past few weeks I forgot.

And you know what is bold, courageous and so damn awesome? Forgiving yourself.

Thus. 

I forgive me. I forgive me for losing sight of what is important. I forgive me for creating abundance in reaction to what I don't have in this moment. I forgive me for loving conditionally, can you even really call that love? Answer: No.

And today, I start again. I move things in my calendar. I make note of my core values, my whole life and I give it a go. What we call a 'Take 2'...well, more like Take 37. I kiss my husband with my phone in the other room. I talk to my baby girl and make eye contact. I call my best friend and listen, all in. I create space to co-create new content with MB with my whole heart from a place of service. I lighten up on myself. I sit down and breathe for three whole minutes because that is my meditation practice. 

And I start again.

We get to. We get to check in on when things feel conditional, disconnected or perhaps rushed. And we get to start again. 

-Jacki Carr

Photo X Ginnie Coleman. Location X Meditation Mount

Photo X Ginnie Coleman. Location X Meditation Mount